home > my stuff > quotes > 1996-1997
1. if it looks like a diamond in the rough, it's probably just a piece of glass [fleisch]2. yep, those guys look pretty sloppy [watching the "freshman walk"]
3. hurricane fellatio, hurricane blow-job, hurricane hummer, that would get people watching the weather channel...[kelly and andy]
4. You can't waste beer like that, don't you know there's, like, sober people in India? [nick]
5. I hereby knight you Sir Loin, King of the Beef [andy]
6. Eric Fleischer's whorehouse, you fuck em we buck em...115 cards sold, "114 blowjobs given...$1 each...that's cheap!!!" [kelly]
7. what's a llamar? [more people making fun of the way danielle tawks]
8. ok there phlegm boy... woa 0 miles per gallon huhuhuhuhuh [PK to "aqua-lung" fleischer]
9. i'll take that coke straight-up...do you know james? [9/6/96 - ef to "rob" the waiter the night someone attacked perkin's]
10. ay, there’s the rub...
11. she likes ta take it up the buhuhuhuh
12. gotta be gotta be domino's...BUFFARO WINGS!
13. hey, you're not jobar [may be substituted for kev lee]
14. it's like you gotta weigh at least 200 pounds to be in these heavyweight fights, and then you win, and they give you a belt. what do they need a belt for?? [yonny after tyson kicked jeff's ass]
15. i'm in the hurt business...and i'm the best at what i do [tyson]
16. sexual chocolate! [that boy he good] [keith]
17. as long as she keeps her hand on her head like that it won't fall off...gravity's a bitch tonight huh [more sloppiness-watching]
18. yo your dog's got some shmutz on him...[ fleisch to the girl walking her dalmation]
19. soylent green is people...it's people!!! [great minds think alike]
20. "hey it's busy!" "yonny, six million people just saw that commercial" "yeah but do you really think anyone would call?" [yonny wants free snapple]
21. "who sucked out the semeeeeeeehn?" [to the tune of who sucked out the feeling?]
“won’t you come on the stage” [keith’s song, kinda]
22. "frank": i'll have the chicken breasts...on second thought i'll have the sirloin
"waitress": what about you sir?
"mr. willis": very impressive. [yummy]
"mr. giano": the breasts sound good to me too.
23. sexual her ass mint [the crew at darwin's post-shooting]
24. rob's got a chip on his shoulder...i'm talking about a chip [yonny]
25. "dolly llama mama" productions [it's not level...] (coming soon...silence of the llamas)
26. twat? i cun't hear you, I have an ear infucktion. bare ass-k me later.
27. he was playing that shit like a circus [re:friedman]
28. let me hit your head with this bat, watch i'll do it like this...[may also be heard immediately before a brick smashes on the porch after a night at darwin’s...] [fleischer]
29. shut up, psychic!
30. i like to be in america...now you slug
31. knock knock....europe!
32. see it’s funny because...
33. c-o-o-l-r-i-d-e-r [the night the cop scared the shit out of dawn]
34. pahdons me, but you must be the most bootifulest girl i's ever done saw in all my 8 yeahs a collich
35. scuba boy
36. i ain't doing dick up the ass [fleisch]
37. danielle: you're so fucked up
[?]: no, but i appreciate the label
38. bull moose! hey it’s not midnight yet...what time do you have?
person #1: I have 12:01; #2: I have 11:59; #3: 11:58; #4: 12:02; hey adam what time do you have?
adam: 4:20?
39. don’t you think that hannibal ate people because his name rhymed with cannibal? do you think that if I named my kid, say, toddomy that he would like doing guys up the ass? [yonny]
40. chocolate ballerina
41. unabomber eskenas strikes again [[the tunabomber strikes again and cholerica saves yonny’s life by sexually harassing him - 10/30/96]]
42. now that you saved the president’s life maybe we should, like, give you a parking space...[score one for the secret cervix]
43. um, excuse me, sir, um, you’re walking on a bomb...
44. ya'all are funny [don't put the waffle cones under the counter cause they'll break - kimmel employee observing cholerica and yonny]
45. bubuhk...i’m a chicken [eric]
46. oh why don't you just ask left...
47. why is this night different from all other nights...just shut up and eat your matzoh [andrew dice clay]
48. gimme a k...k! gimme a d...d! gimme an r...r! what's that spell? kdur?
49. if she were a soup, she'd be cream of cunt; if she were a month she'd be july
50. you're a played-out bitch [jobar]
51. i can't even spell shwanz, what makes you think i can recite the entire greek alphabet backwards? [jobar]
52. keith: i would love to spend a day inside adam's brain
rider: you'd have to leave a trail of breadcrumbs to find your way out
keith: yeah but then i'd just get the munchies and have to eat them
53. muthufuckuh
54. (to the tune of macarena) heeeeey...fuck the hoakies [almuni weekend game vs. Vtech] "what the hell is a hoakie?" "it's a purple castrated turkey" [dave orens]
55. thank you for coming to moshe's bar mitzvah, i hope you kids are enjoying yourselves [z referring to his disapproval of drew's musical selection]
56. you guys are smoked [the COP, then me]
57. how do you really feel about that? [trey]
58. ok new game...[smoked fleischer throwing darts and pens and god knows what else at the floor]
59. nobody light a match, rob's coming [re: rob "high octane" feissner]
60. lick my lollipop [heather]
61. is this "low rider" again?
62. he’s so tall, we could bunjee jump off his head [fleisch re: jon lay]
63. if you blink really fast it won't look like the lights are moving [in trey’s funky room]
64. mute [heather tries to get the remote to work on trey]
65. yonny sings poop [and choelrica sings “poop...poopeedoop, poopeedoop, poopeedoopeedoopeedoop...”]
66. booberries and cheese! [official food of mama dolly llama productions]
67. 's not bad, t’sprettigood
68. fleischer: you left that door open like there was a fuckin' rock in the doorway
yonny: i'll tell you what, there was a rock but it wasn't in the door...
69. just so you know...the horror [dare i even look man] - just knowing that of all the work i did writing this script that those are the two lines everyone will remember hits me right *here*...[yonny pointing at his ass]
70. chinese “buffett”
71. get back in the windah [isn't it ironic, dontcha think: it's like meeting the gahrl of your dreams and finding out she's 5, it's like when ya look at the moon you think it's made out of blue cheese, but when you look at cheese you don't think it's made outta the same stuff as the moon]
72. fire alarm...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah [yonny] note: sounds a lot like a blue light
73. dude...ah shit [marking down 1]...dude, aw shit! [trey]
74. hey bitch...get me a sammich [may follow "how to be a good wife"]
75. and now a word from our messages [Z-fro]
76. herbie the family pet...live in stonervision [fleisch]
77. zach just interrupted himself! [fleisch]
78. comma comma comma comma comma come frisbee fling...you come and throw...flinging can be easy when you’re playing with AChiO... [while doing the rhythm dance]...i know all there is to know about the flinging game... [boy jon]
79. you got it...oh yeah I forgot, they’re closer than they appear [fleisch reads mirror as he helps z park]
80. what’d ya do to the pumpkin? the apple’s smokin’ a butt, what’d you do??? [fleisch]
81. when you turn 21, we’re gonna need a cab to get back to the house because...beer. [fleisch]
*************
82. so a nun and a rabbit walk into denny’s...stop me if you’ve heard this one...
83. erica: you’re a crackhead
danielle: I didn’t do any crack tonight
erica: well then you’re a nuthead
danielle: I didn’t do any nuts tonight..
. 84. all I wanted was some kool aid... [yonny’s voice as heard coming from the kitchen following a series of loud crashing sounds]
85. git some! [z]
86. okay make your bets...[the “full frontal nudity” phase of Konn-ball...”the british are coming” (ed)]
87. I am malclom X [or tiger williams]
88. trey: why does this cooler have this measuring thing on top of it? is it to measure fish or what?
keith: maybe so guys can whip out their dicks and measure, but of course I would have to fold it in half, you know...
heather: what, the cooler?
89. we can’t put that in the green glass room...
90. This biscuit suits my taste. [“chinese buffett” fortune cookie]
91. has it even been 24 hours since my last ticket? actually no it hasn’t! [fleisch]
92. I don’t mind if my plane crashes, as long as it crashes on time. If we crash, fine, if we crash and we were delayed then I would be really pissed. [fleisch]
93. she couldn’t get into the greek system if her father were Zeus himself [yonny]
94. {yelp}
95. you see, you gotta know the difference between sucking a dick and drinking a glass of milk... [yonny]
96. [attica! attica!] hey, how’d you know I was from attica?? [random guy jumping the wall outside marshall square mall]
97. so if you guys are kappa delta something why does your shirt say, what is this? kappa alpha pi? [random freshman at a party reading yonny’s sweatshirt]
98. I just clocked you doing about 87, slow down! [cholerica calming down yonnyholio]
99. i’ve never seen anyone defend themselves by breakdancing [hector watching brian avoid having the crap beaten out of him at Superbowl ‘97]
100. one leg over my shoulder, the other leg over my shoulder, mhhmhmhhmmhhhmhhmhmhm... [cheech and chong]...first time I seen her, sittin’ by a tree...
101. who brought the cool kid
102. you killed cornbread!
103. if you’re not having mittens or gloves...it hurts your hands [“throbin” as in “throbin and cholerica” slightly under the influence]
104. I don’t even carry a pencil [also found in: I don’t even carry a muddork!]
105. they built a bridge underwater? that would be cool: “i’m gonna jump!” [fleisch]
[fun with “throbin” after wine and asthma inhalers - 2/15/97]
106. there weren’t shit in there [robin]
107. eric: say the alphabet, and don’t sing it...
robin: [thinking] a...b..c..d..e...f...g...
eric: now say it backwards...
robin: I can’t do that zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
108. eric: do you have holes in your hands? [no] then why are you looking at them like that?
robin: to see where they are...
109. do you know that - [falls over backwards and is quiet for about ten seconds, followed by:] I am passed out on the bed and no one can get me up. [robin]
110. missy: don’t worry, i’m not letting you leave this room
robin: okay. can I go on the porch? [everyone laughs]
well can I have some natural water then?
111. [whispering] my voice don’t want to talk, it wants to whisper, do you understand? [robin]
112. they should know how important it is to be a brother and not to misbehave [robin’s words of wisdom for the new pledge class]
113. do you kill the y-sup or are you a kid-cussing togaf who kills the muddorks? how about the old evigemaremmuh? [strokab 101]
114. aaaai’m kerri struuug [yonny]
115. hey, didn’t you guys used to be the the? [from the tradition started by z as stated by me during a late-night beavis viewing]
116. you can’t smoke everything, someone’s gonna buy you popcorn one day and you’ll be like, hey, you got a light? [fleisch]
117. oh, LOOK, i’m ERICA [yonny didn’t realize there was still water in the bowl when he dumped it on his head]
118. where do you get your gas from? oh I get my gas from the B-gas station...hey you know what’s a really great show? america’s funniest home videos, you know, with that host bob sageb, he’s a really funny guy...[ixnay on the agebsay in front of the irlfriendgay...]
119. OH, my Y-sup hurts [robin]
120. jason: remember where I live...
andy the pledge: yeah but my door is always locked
jason: well I have friends who have keys to all the rooms...
andy: yeah and I have jim “the hammer” shapiro...[i may be an SOB but i’m YOUR SOB!! broken bones, lost limbs, paralysis, broken bones, lost limbs, paralysis...]
121. you know, that crazy howard stern just might be the king of all media...[random chinese buffett patron]
122. you’re a completely...BONE-head. you’re a totally...LOO-ser. [the best $14 jobar ever spent]
123. moose, motherfucker! [the little bunny foo foo posse goes to perkins’]
124. where’s my lighter? where’s my remote? oh yeah, I forgot, yonny’s sitting on everything I own [fleischer]
125. graduate shmadumicate
126. “she was showing her boobies in the blacklight...” [yonny sings the blues]
127. yeah, that’s like...my leg. [adam]
128. we were movin, we were shakin, we were boppin... [random perkins’ guy, while the waitress had no idea how important it is to get the food out right away when you’re smoked]
129. i’d like ta fuckin’ brbrbrbrbrooooo [must be used with the official yonny hand-in the-air-rolled-eyes maneuver, and may be substituted for “bidibidiHOOOOOO”]
130. uh oh, it’s nosferatu poncelot [yonny was possessed]
(also may be found in the following context: uh-oh, tubular bells [sadenesse...di moi...])
131. that must be her guardian gook [fleischer watching alyssa milano try to be a hoochie]
132. on a scale of one to ten how often do you do the following...that’s wrong, the answer is 9 [yonny didn’t quite understand the concepts behind phone survey design]
133. kelso and kaplan looked like geniuses...these are the memories of pi class things...it didn’t rhyme but it was necessary [“fleesher”]
134. fleischer: where’s he from?
brian: africa?
135. some people brush their teeth with a toothbrush, maybe I brush my teeth with a meatball hero, who’s to say which of us is right [yonny almost makes bad hygiene seem logical]
136. everyone in this turn is making a left lane [we were on erie blvd but fleisch was on smoked street]
137. so what were the reproductions of your actions? [friend of dawn]
138. users are losers, and losers are users...so don’t lose your drugs...
139. so were there people in it? [felicia couldn’t quite keep up with the discussion of a sideways boat in niagara falls]
140. we’re closer to 32 than we are to like...10 [danielle]
141. what time is it? it’s at noon. yeah but what time? noon. what time??
142. skip? eric: yeah, skip as in it skipped me. dawn: no, skip as in
your name is skip...
143. I got different smarts than you...i know how to build a house [friend
of dawn]
144. hey ca, why you gotta treat me like i’m a featherless penguin/shaved
polar bear’s ass/nun’s tit/etc.? [yonny]
145. she’s a little loopy [yonny]
146. [ring...] my bo-oooooooonnnnneeeeeeee lies over the oceannnnnnnnn...[oh
the seaaaaaaaaa]
147. SNL jeopardy: “the answer was...red.” “marlon brando?” “POOP”
148. it’s slublimninal [fleisch]
149. she hung up on me...[he was on an answering machine]
150. someplace a little more private...like idaho
151. bah bah bah bah BAH [tsss tsss tsss] [z, keith, and cholerica perform
across campus on graduation day]
summer 1997
152. it’sph l’cheesey [aka chelsea]
153. look kids, statue of liberty
154. can you walk without moving your arms?
155. boy somebody outta tell that guy he’s walking around with his pants
falling off...[jimmy just before the guy pulled his pants up - he was
like psychotic, he had espn or something.]
156. you can be my wing man anytime...bullshit, you can be mine [thumbs
up, salute]
BIDDYBIDDY HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!