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And now, here are "CA’s" quotes of 1997-98:

Fall 1997: South Park Marathons and Progressives

1. where’s your crackhouse, okay there it is, buh bye [driving with fleisch]
2. are any of them 10? [miryam reacts to the swarm of people out past kerfew at perkins]
3. I want to get my nipples pierced! [random high school girl]...
4. just as friends...[greg]
5. hey ca, want to go apple-picking? wink wink. [snoopy]
6. beefcake...beefcake!!!! [or insert any other quote from south park]
7. ask me if i’m a fire truck... [ike]
8. what’s brown and square? [ike]
9. here lemme give you a tatoo...oh look i’m on the floor [jimmy]
10. wake me up in 5 minutes... [bryan]
11. barto: hey nick, your mom’s on the phone
      nick: oh yeah, well your mom’s...on the...oh [slick nick with the quick prick]
12. i’m crazy abortion girl. now, give me some candy.
13. that’s wrong, greg. x equals your mom. here, let me graph it for you... [slick]
14. oh god, oh god... [slick with weird accent]
15. my name is nick, and i’ll show you my heh, heh, heh.
16. raahhhhhhh. [nick?]
17. nick: is that bobby mcferrin?
      greg: no, slick, that’s spike lee
      nick: oh.

Fiesta Bowl ‘97

18. we don’t need nice in this world ca, we need poop. [yonny on why we should defecate on ourselves to prevent being eaten if we die in a plane crash]
19. throw the flag! [jimmy and yonny after every play of the game]
20. don’t forget the chicken...[it’s still cooking...]
21. oh my god, what was that, it might have been a coyote! [ike was ready to protect us from those stray desert poodles]
22. jimmy: put your head against the glass and look down
      ca: I bet you say that to all the girls
23. that has to be the dumbest commercial I have ever seen...[greg points out the stupidity of a commercial telling arizonans to escape to better weather]
24. you know, my mother owns the knicks...yeah, my dad is bill cosby...and bruce springsteen is my son [ike and greg have never been as happy to see me as they were when I rescued them from the delusional ramada security guard]
25. wanna see my pigeon? [random circle k resident]
26. I didn’t eat anyone’s pizza!
27. we could drink you guys under the table...[greg and ike inspired the kansans to see how long a bunch of guys could make a shot of wine last]
28. you guys represented syracuse [aaron the kansan was impressed]

Who won the superbowl of ‘98?

29. uh oh...somebody’s winning....[greg]
30. just because your team lost the superbowl, don’t go beat up your bitch [snoopy’s domestic violence psa]
31. it starts with an "f" and ends with an "umble"? hmmm...what was it jason? I think it sounds like "crumble..."
32. it was almost close...[greg]

33. jason: hello?
      snoopy: hi jason
      jason: who is this? oh fuck you!

34. ca: knock knock
      ike: who’s there?
      ca: the interrupting team that won the superbowl....WE’RE NOT THE GREEN BAY PACKERS!!!

35. jason kaplan, we’re calling from wsyr radio, you will win one thousand dollars if you can tell us who just won the superbowl... [andy]
36. you should have just told him you were fucking another guy... you would have had a single and a 4.0...[andy re: greg’s former roommate]

Spring 1998: Wacked-out Meals, Alcohol, and Adventures in E-mail

37. NOOOOOOOOOO...a LITTLE...MAYBE. [spike]
38. I have more chickens than you [that crazy war game that ca kicks so much ass at]

39. he needed a dentist, so he looked in the yellow pages for the most american-sounding name and the first guy he called didn’t speak english...then he figured out how much the average person spends on toothpaste, and figured out that it would cost the same as 7 root canals, so if he has 5 more root canals then he’ll start thinking about buying some toothpaste [jimmy narrates: when dentists attack...starring yonny, who is 3000 miles away and still making the quote list...]

40. he’s jakaplan, and i’m gism one... [greg]
41. it’s trwoo, you can come home with mbay...mbay [yonny as quoted by the rest of us and way too often by ca and greg, also used with "it’s funny ‘cause it’s true."]
42. dear baby, welcome to dumpedville, population you [homer simpson has a way with women]
43. so this is me and this is rich, and i’m like oh doh doh doh and rich is like doh doh doh doh and here comes the chicks...[jimmy and kyle play with their shaw cup-dolls]
44. ca, you crazy chicken breaker [greg and ike]
45. this is lion, this is monkey, and this is - you’ll never guess - doggie...[ike’s clever process for naming his animals]
46. that is the most disgusting bathroom I have ever seen...i would rather wipe my ass with my hand than use that sink [mark thought the bathrooms at tahou’s would look better than the food at tahou’s but was sadly mistaken]
47. it’s the garbage plate nazi [andy was a bit intimidated by the tahou’s employee - "take off the cover!"]

Spring Formal ‘98

48. if you have to make, go in here, do you hear me? [kyle tries to housebreak bryce]
49. raise your hand if you’re drunk...[jimmy’s formal date, who was completely sober of course]
50. bryce needs to chew his food better [mark]
51. you...don’t...know...how...much...i...love you...but it was bullshit, it was a fuckin’ joke, and when you hear this song, I hope you fuckin’ choke [adam sandler]
52. it’s like wearing high heels...[ca bonds with the women]
53. I woke up for a minute and heard you talking about breasts and high heels [andy]

More Alcohol, More Meals, Less Cold = More Procrastination

54. hey look, it’s the coolest guy at SU...[greg and ike]
55. maybe i’ll become a woman or a mexican, then I won’t have to work. but then, I wouldn’t be able to understand myself either way. oh well. [yonny]
56. we should drop a barrel of burritos and welfare checks on canada, then maybe el niño will go there. freakin’ ‘xicans. [yonny]

57. andy: I didn’t make the top ten?
      greg: well if she had sent 11 copies you would have gotten one
      ca: well...actually... I sent 11 - one for good luck
      greg: did she send *you* the tweety-bird email?
      mark: yup.
      ca: I sent him 5 copies
      andy: [runs out of room]

58. they should have a category "best picture besides titanic" [andy]

59. andy: well latin would come in handy if you were in latin america
      ca: ok there dan quayle
      andy: I don’t think he really said that
      greg: is dan quayle your cousin or something? why are you defending him?

60. is that bea arthur? [andy really wanted to see bea at the oscars...]
61. let’s blow this job - uh, joint [spike]
62. i’mma wario and i’mma gonna win
63. heya slut [kyle and jimmy respecting all the women at faegan’s]
64. i’d like to introduce a formal proposal to ban the use of chopsticks to eat ramen in this house...[of course jimmy and greg know that andy is a few feet away in dan’s room]
65. then I hadda shower to wash off all the blue cheese...[slimmy]
66. isn’t that the dumbest name for them, crispy hexagons? that’s like - "happy-Os"... [slimmy and ca]
67. greg: rob said it was okay to feed them oatmeal
      ca: and rob knows fish [always take nutritional advice from people who drink gasoline]
68. why you gotta treat me like a fuckin’...nun’s featherless rented step-penguin that has pneumonia or polio or some other disease that starts with a "p"??
69. oh, twist your arm? no pun intended ike... [it doesn’t take much to convince people to have a reeb]
70. kentucky fried chicken is all I see [ca and greg both sing the same line at the wrong time, it must be all the chicken quotes this year that made us do it...]

71. ca: you should put that down in the middle of the room and put those kiddie fences around it, and make everyone stay in there during parties
      slimmy: yeah but with the girls we get in here it would look like a freakin’ herd grazing...get out the lasso

72. I know, I know, if it ends in, "you hadda be there..." [ca]
73. you...porch...off the [derivative of you...winduhr...thru the]
74. oh look, I like to use my hands a lot when I talk...oh see I like to squeeze my nipples when I talk too, and now i’m going to grab my crotch... [ike, featuring hand movements by bryan]
75. it’s a good thing jason isn’t upset about UNC losing...
76. we thought you were talking about condoms...[louis and mike wonder why greg prefers the ones with wood interiors, or why ca wants him to borrow her brother’s]
77. on a scale of 0 to "ca’s a huge slut..." [greg]
78. "midnight sadness," inspired by ca [procrastinative art - both functional and educational]

79. a. ca, you’re really short [greg]
      b. ca, I know ants that are taller than you [spike]
      c. are we standing on a hill? [it was a conspiracy to make ca think she was shorter than she really is]

80. ...dandy decagons...or happy isoceles triangles - 30, 60, 90 in every box!! [jimmy found that studying geometry generated a lot more fun names for cereal]
81. so louis, do you like it when people do THIS? [pointing]
82. that’s nothing, if we did that at the one on main we’d get shot [ca reassuring louis, who was worried that people would stare when we did the "mbay...mbay" thing out loud at the tahou’s on lyell]
83. notice how ca has the EASY pass...[spike]
84. get it? i’ll explain... [spike]
85. I know it rhymes with "ee"... [the mystery of the phish song is finally solved]
86. I was just kidding... [louis, upon returning from a random Monday nite tahou’s trip which he suggested as an alternative to denny’s]
87. was his name kelso? [jimmy’s transsexual guest speaker was laughed at by a paramedic]
88. let’s play "what would happen if..." [louis]
89. whaddayamean barq’s has bite? [spike does johnny]
90. who’s a better swimmer, mark van zandt, or someone who is a really good swimmer...wrong, the answer is the letter 7 [spike]
91. yeah but dave matthews isn’t gonna cheat on me [greg defending his right to use the phrase "i’d give my left nut for..."]
92. ca’s a big slut, she does it for free, and i’m her pimp...oh shit, run!! [oddly enough, a strange man on M street was interested in bryan’s announcement...]

93. ca: I wish I had someone to break up with...
      ike: you can break up with me
      ca: Ike, I think we should...
      ike: (shrugs) okay. [if only it were always that easy]

94. a. bitch gets knocked up...but then she fucks again...we should blow up iraq or something [various interpretations of chumbawamba, I don’t remember the words to the saddam hussein one]
      b. ike gets knocked down, but rollerblades again, get SUA on the phone, ike gets knocked down, but then he blades again, he still has another arm...[ca’s interpretation of chumbawamba]
95. BARBECUE.
96. no, "CA," C-A, not "cock" - "ca" as in "er-i-ca." [the RIT brothers wondered why I insisted it was my nickname even tho they thought it was kind of cruel...]
97. ziggy’s guy: she’s not coming now
      ca: well you don’t need her anyway
      ziggy’s guy: right. well actually I do need her, at my age sex is a privilege, it only comes every so often...[the singing ziggy’s guy who gives us way more info than we need]

98. ca: i’m not anyone’s girlfriend and i’m not a slut!!!! put away your money, mike paine smith!!!
      mike paine: you’re free??
      ca: no, i’m not free!! I mean...you know what I mean!!

99. if they hang upside down, do they shit on themselves? [jimmy wonders about "wild america," especially bats, penguins gettin’ it on in the ‘hood, and large insects that look like pieces of tree]
100. bummed is what you are when you come back to your car and it’s been towed [phish sings about tires and abodes with a bunch of kids]
101. what’s ziggy’s? [poor deprived louis]
102. let’s play a game...it’s called dork or not a dork... [louis]
103. I think we should start calling you cholerica again for old times’ sake...

104. maybe it’s the beer talking marge, but you’ve got a butt that won’t quit...they got these big chewy pretzels here thatin’re ohemmahd khasydibeer aldsjduh FIVE DOLLARS! getoutta here... [homer simpson as quoted by "gregory peck" and "lou sir" while playing beer-pool - almost as much fun as konn ball but with less noise and less full frontal nudity]

105. categories...okay, how about nicknames for greg...[greg]

106. ohhh, I seeeee. the mythical "white Castle". I bet they serve your 'burgers' on golden unicorns. does Santa work behind the register at this magical place? loser. ["shark" as quoted by louis]

107. can this guy party or what? [referring to snoopy’s rubik’s cube computer program]

108. denny’s employee: how many?
      ike: seven

109. did someone give the trunk permission to talk? [greg]
110. let’s drop off louis and pick up an asian [ike]
111. where’s our food? ok, everybody go like this [ike pulls on his eyelids hg-style to try to get the waiter’s attention at denny’s]
112. yeah, I like to rinse it into my eyes... [jeff theorizes as to why andy would like bleaching his hair]
113. it’s times like that I wish I was a whore. [ca could have saved 97 bucks if only she didn’t have morals...]
114. just wait until you find your dog’s head on a stake on your front yard [mark resorts to threats of violence when his attempt to piss off greg by writing a check for $39.99 instead of $40 is unsuccessful]

Note: the following quotes are from so long ago that they were recorded before ca learned that "Jeff" was in fact a "Ge-off..."

115. [mumbling] it didn’t go in my mouth [jeff attempts to eat the plate at tahou’s]
116. ca: hey jeff, you ain’t nothin’ but a dawg
      jeff: and you ain’t nothin’ but a slut [dj jazzy jeff: the cheesy years]

117. you gotta respect the ca [ed]
118. don’t puke in the other sink... [snoopy]
119. i’m really scared [greg keeps a straight face long enough to make kobasa fear for his life after causing a tupac poster injury]
120. [rolling eyes] yes, I drank my water [swan]
121. see you in ya mama [spanish for "motorrow"]
122. oh i’m falling over and over again [andy seems to be pretty clumsy...]
123. marge my friend, I haven’t learned a thing. [homer simpson]

BONUS!!
top ten yonny-on-the-phone quotes, 4/98*
*note: no one else was present for these quotes, they are for my own personal records, but anyone who knows yonny should find them amusing anyway. for those of you who don’t know yonny, the views expressed here do not necessarily reflect the views of ca and are meant in good fun. really. please don’t try to have me killed if you are mexican, canadian, homosexual, female, a landlord, buffy the vampire slayer, a manufacturer of beef stroganoff or those monkies that sing the macarena, or a member of any other social group whom yonny might offend.

124. if they wanna get into a pooping contest, they’re messing with the wrong excretor [re: snooping landlords]
125. romance is nothing but a bag of chick peas
126. mmm...beef stroganoff...there’s nothing I like better than coming home from work, sitting by myself and strogan’off
127. we can make a movie, we’ll call it "this is erica naked..."
128. some guys like to buy girls flowers, I like to tell girls that I will always be there for them and that I love them, and then say, well, you know, maybe you’re not worth it...
129. the most annoying people are the mexicans and the french. I should run for president because I know how to solve all our problems: canada isn’t full, and the mexicans are always spilling over into the US, so why not just have mexico and canada switch places?
130. hey, I try to be a hospitality hospital [yonny = hospitable - he doesn’t want people to think he’s "unhomey" so he has a magnet playing the macarena in his kitchen at all times]
131. yonny: there’s a lot of gays out here
      ca: is that why you moved there?
      yonny: yeah...hey, you gotta have target practice with something
132. all you gotta do to be a mexican is get your neck dirty and talk gibberish
133. if your name’s buffy the vampire slayer, you gotta figure it’s pretty likely you will become a vampire slayer. that’s gotta suck.