1. Look at me, I'm ______!
2. I still know what you did 3 years, 5 weeks and 2 days ago...
3. What's THAT all about?
4. Louis:   The problem with these sandal things...is that they suck.
5. G to Mike P:   Do you like your crotch?
6. G:   Holy Jesus Christ! ...sorry, Brendon.
7. Chris Brown:   I DID?
8. "Jarhead Jared" (worrying about Geoff):   Courtney, wrestling was on and he's still not home...
9. Jar (about to die):   ...you skipped 3 and 5!!
10. Jar:   ...you may have won the battle...
11. Steve Russell:   It's like Cheers, only you need an opaque container.
12. ?:   He rubs me the wrong way.
       Jar: If he rubs me any way, it's just wrong.
13. Geoff? Which Geoff? GEE-off.
14. Russell:   ...it's like Ca is dating the whole house...
       Kinyatta: ...is he a brother?
       Russell: I don't know, is he dating Ca?
15. Schepis:   We should shine a flashlight in her face and yell "TRUCK!!" No?
16. G:   ...Reason number 30 not to go to Montana.
       Nick: Well, Theodore Kaczinsky is one, too...
17. Nick:   Lullaby...
       G: (gives evil look)
       Nick: ...and goodnight, Oh don't kill me...
18. Brendon (watching Ca play with the cat with 57 names):   Is she still playing with the pussy?
19. Ca:   I don't understand why girls get all offended when their boyfriends read porn.
       G: Yeah but you're you. You don't get offended when we call you a slut.
20. Ca:   How romantic. Yeah, I really just want a guy to make me a house out of shit and spit so I can incubate in it with my eggs. I'm so glad I'm not a bird.
21. Schepis:   SWEATY BUTT LOVE!!!
22. Schepis (as a public safety car pulls up in response to the fire alarm):   That fire truck sucks!!
23. Jar: You should make a sign...
       (one hour later...)Absolutely no stupidity beyond this point...if you have to ask, turn around...
24. "No goofy retards!"
25. Schepis:   All-I-know IS...
26. G:   We'd have to register our parties...which we can't do...so if we got busted we'd be on social probation...
       Someone else:What'd that mean?
       G: That we wouldn't be able to register our parties...
27. OK, officer, if you think you can find it...look for a set of keys while you're at it...
28. Jar:   cool point overload!
29. Jar:   there's some jokes I laugh at all the time...(Crazy Ann and the eleventy-billion teeth)
30. G:  Why does everything have to come down to race with you Brendon?
       Jar: Yeah, why don't you go count some money or something.
31. Geoff (not meaning this to come out the way it sounds):   Yeah he's funny. But he's black, and...
32. Geoff:   stupid cracker rednecks...
33. Lance (on Chris Rock's commentary about pump fat):   It's true!! It's all true!!
34. "I'm just gonna run to my car for a second..."
       Ca (looks at G, confused): Okay...
       G (looks at Ca, confused): Thanks for the update!
35. Ca:   Do you have your cell phone? Call us and let us know where you are so we don't worry...(phone rings 5 minutes later as Ca, Jared, and Greg fall on the floor convulsing in laughter...)
36. Jar:   Did you have a nice tinkkuhl?
37. Jar:   Lance is the coolest thirty-year-old I know...
38. Matt (runs out on porch):   Do you guys have a -
       G: No.
       Matt: - frisbee?
39. We're such assholes...Yeah, you tilde. Why are you such an ampersand? You're really making an asterisk of yourself you semicolon...
40. Schepis:   Boobs!
41. Schepis:  For me to POOP on!!
42. Ca:  Hey Greg, hypothetically speaking, if all the lights on the dishwasher were blinking, and there were suds coming out of it, would you say it was broken?
       G:   Hypothetically I would say Cheech broke it.
43. Schepis (to Geoff)   You're afraid of your own shadow. You need to break stuff.
44. Schepis (on campus traffic control booths):   We should just write "POOP" on all the windows.
45. Schepis:  I bet the diameter of my urethra is bigger than the diameter of your urethra.
       Ca: Enough with the sweet talk...
46. Schepis (on the roof):  I fling poo at you, make you stronger like the painting...
47. Random Shaw Resident:  HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT UP BEFORE I TEAR OUT YOUR SOULS!!!
48. Nick:  We can play croquette on your stomach...no, you don't want to play that, Snotty British people play that...
49. Nick:  Heimlich!! Come back, I'm trying to help you!!
50. Ca:  You didn't sing to me...
       Nick: No, you were sleeping so peacefully, I didn't want to wake you... (evil look from Greg)
51. Nicholas Cage:  CUT the CHIT-chat A-hole...
52. someone else in "The Rock":   I'm gonna cut your guts out!
53. Schepis:  I'm not gonna tickle him, that would be gay. I'll pull his pants down tho...
54. Schepis (On Geoff's fighting strategy):   You suck at this.
55. Jar:   She was a refugee from the planet Fugloidia and she was speaking Fugloidian...
56. Fuckin' Indians.
57. Schepis (goes over to Ca out of nowhere, feels her forehead):   You're fine.
58. Discussing Geoff's experience with the little woman:   Oh, look at the stars...
       Jar: ...that was a good story tho...
59. Chrissy:   What's with your phone?
        G: It's ringing?
60. Chrissy:   What happened to Nick?
       G: He graduated?
61. Dr. Schepis:   ...it'll cook your brain...
       Ca: ..."The More You Know"...
62. Ca:   People in hell must be stocking up on blankets...
63. Jar (on Schepis' riding attire):   Where do you buy an outfit like that? No, really, where?
64. Well I think people who think the Breakfast Club is gay...are gay.
65. (G's idea for a new screening process at parties:   Are you affiliated with the police? What were your SAT scores?
66. Jar:   How do you get held back in the first grade, what, did he fail making noodle letters or something?
67. G & Jar:   ...we'd go to Mexico. We could hang out with Cheech's family, 'hey, move over Jose...'
68. Jar (recalling the invitation to a certain recital):   'Wanna go?' Uh...I gotta teach my monkey how to dance...
69. ...once you pop you can't stop...
70. Yeah but you can sit a dead kid up too...Didn't you see weekend at Bernie's?? Bernie moved too.
71. Geoff:   Hey now Lauren can have someone to play with...
72. (This space is reserved for the hysterical quote Geoff had about Jared's chick if anyone ever remembers it...)
73. Conan O'Brien:   In the year 2000...Former members of Sha Na Na and Bow Wow Wow will reunite to form a supergroup, "Crap."
       ...Fed up with being told what to watch, babies form their own network and play only shows like "Ba Ba Goo Goo," "Me Make Poo Poo Like Doggie," and "Suddenly Susan."
74. Joe:   Hey baby, now we've been going out for a financial quarter...
75. Laura:   'What do you do at work'...Oh, I don't know...WORK???
****
76. Jar: Is this "Animal Farm"?
       Cheech: I haven't seen this in a LONG time...
77. Geoff: I thought you wanted me to look at your burger, I was like, 'Yup, that's disgusting.'
78. Everytime I come outside it's like an exclamation point to the laughter...
79. G: This is the wire (holds up straw), this is the hole (drops it in cup)...
80. G:  If you're a Texan or a ROTC, nothing is ever big enough.
81. Odie:  HOT...like my butt.
82. Odie: What happened to the innocent Steve I used to know? (Sings) Sunrise, Sunset...
83. Odie(?): ...like Bob Jew Dylan...
84. Odie: How do you spell "heini"?
85. snick snick ('nuff said)
86. Joe D: Yeah, that's it!! Wait, what is it?
87. G (In high voice from roof):  YEAH! I SUCK DICK FOR A LIVING, YEAH!
88. Schepis: Come back, or face the wraith of our buttocks!!
89. Schepis:  Hi, this is Sgt. Loveman with Public Safety, I wanted to ask you some questions about an occurence this evening...I'll just catch up with you tomorrow...
90. Ca:   Put some hair spray on that, it'll come right out...
       Geoff: Cool. Thanks...Heloise?

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Homecoming 1999

1. Ca:   You can buy me a hot dog at the game.
      Ike: I only have a 20...
2. Laura (on Joe wanting to be on a football team): What are you gonna be Joe, the football?
3. Jarhead (after explaining how it wasn't his fault): Carpez Diem, Greg...
4. Ca:   My boss never gave me the extra money...
      G: I told her, she would make more money if she worked AT NIGHT...
5. : 
6. Shauna (after Joe exposed his chest hair):  See Joe, your hair's not falling out, it's just lost...
   

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Holiday Party Weekend - December 1999

1. G:  Go walk and get him.
   Nick:  Waaat walk.  walk...walk...wok is something you cook on.
2. G:  Yeah people say I look like Matt Damon.
   Nick:  ...People say I look like Dom Deluise...
3. Nick:  'Don't say it, don't say it'...Yeah Joe and Akiva - damn.
4. Shark:  Joe's probably hooking up with your mom right now...
5. G:  The best thing about this is, I'm the youngest one here right now!!
6. Steve Russell (as Lance's phone rings):  Oh no, the weather's changed!! 
7. G:  Hey is Julie here?
   Geoff:  Yeah downstairs...
   Joe D: [runs out the front door]
8. Shaun:  My thalamus is fine.
9. Shaun:  Her back hit your door.  Can you believe it??
10. Chris Brown:  It has nothing to do with being drunk or stoned, I drive like that everyday.
11. Jarhead:  I didn't say that...
    Tracy:  Oh so now I'm a liar.
    Ca:  So you're saying that Greg's sister is a drug-addicted violent lying Nazi prostitute?
12. Shaun:  This is malargee.
13. Tracy: Don't have a canary.
    Shaun: A canary??!!  That's a fuckin' bird!!
14. Tracy:  Canaries exist, malargees don't.
15. G: What's the number on your door?
    Geoff:  I saw the note on my door...
16. Tracy:  Who made the winning shot?  I made the winning shot.
    Shaun: The winning shot was the first shot of the game...from then on we were winning, so I made the winning shot!
17. Tracy:  Shaun, Malogoney!!
18. [Quoted by everyone but I never put it down before]:  Just put that anywhere...
19. Shaun:  You know if you were acting like an ass and making the shots...
20. G and Joe D:  Yeah!  Cigarettes!  Yeah!!
21. Tracy: I never heard of a freakin' malargee!
    Sean:  Then how did you use it in a sentence??!!

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New Year's 2000 Weekend Road Trip - Baltimore, MD (Shark's house)

1. Megan (horrified): You're having CANDY for BREAKFAST??
       Joe: Yeah, why what're you having?
       Megan (quietly): Breakfast candy.
2. Joe: Ca what do you want for breakfast?
       (Akiva looking for directions: Do you have the erections?)
       Ca: Erections?
3. Joe: Rain man, shush!
4. Ca: Joe's gonna start putting scrap metal in his clothes hoping the female customs agents will search him...
5. Akiva: I couldn't give her the flip-top. That's why she had to have her jaw reset...
6. Joe (re: Megan's town): Dude, it's where we send...like, shit.
7. Ca: Okay there Alfalfa...
       Akiva: She called you gay.
       Joe (hysterical): That would've been funny too...
8. Seattle: Get away from my pillow!
9. Megan: "Megan's the cleanest girl Joe's ever slept with." It's the truth!
       Joe: You can't handle the truth!
10. Megan: You shouldn't violate Ca. Because...she's Ca.
11. Joe: Fine, he's the one driving so he's the one who'll get the ticket.
        Seattle: Yeah but you're the homosexual, they'll take you out back and shoot you.
12. There go the Yocumtown girls...
13. Greg (to Nick): It's been four fucking hours, see someone else!
14. Akiva (?): I think Eric was born shaving.
15. Joe: What is "drop to your knees baby"?
16. Mark: This is my girlfriend, Stacie...Stacie this is my fiancee...
17. G: ...to convert...
        Nick: Yeah, and not like from Beta to VHS!
18. Nick (as people start their New Year's Celebration all over Mark's chair): I don't even have to put coins in the machine, this is great.
19. Nick: This is the 7th sign of the apocalypse.
20. Nick: Is anyone else staring?
21. Nick: These people are gonna start banging in 1999 and finish in 2000...that's cool!
22. No New Year Nookie!
23. Seattle: The first commercial of the millenium...is gay.
24. G as Mark: Oh, I can't play circle 'cuz my Y-sup hurts...
25. Nick: I had to leave myself some room last nite.
        G: What, for the bread to rise?
26. Mark: I got some clubs, you can go play on 695.
        G: You get it Nick? He's telling him to go play in traffic.
        Mark: Hey Nick, you wanna caddy?
27. G: Oh, like you didn't know there was a "Boobtropolis."
28. G: So Nick's God and Joe's Jesus? God we are screwed. I think I WILL become a Jew.
29. Lonjay: Give Nick enough crazy shit and he'll see dead people.
        Nick: WAAAT, you want me to see dead people? Oh yeah there they are.
30. Greg: Puertorican showers don't count.
        Nick: WAAAT, reek...
31. Nick (trying to tie his shoes): The bunny goes where...the bunny must die!!!
32. Ca: ...So Mark walks into a bar, the bartender says, hey, this is Bennigan's, why don't you get the hell out?
33. Guy at Aquarium talking to "Ike" the seal: So, I need a best man, are you free?
34. Greg (profoundly): I think...I have to shit.
35. Nick (confused by the total of $16 worth of gas in G's car): You paid $20...
36. "Cocktropolis"
37. Ca (pulls a Queen): Seattle, is fresh black cock in season?
38. Seattle: I fucked a guy named slim...
39. G: I've never seen a cigarette on fire before!
40. G (on Joe and cigars): Just make sure he knows which cigar is his...
41. Mark: Oh like you've never kissed your grandfather...
        G: You ARE from Maryland aren't you...
42. Mark (sarcastic): Oh there it is THANKS GREG
43. Mark: No you sit in that chair and then spill it on you
44. Mark (after being tortured by G): No, my tits hurt...
45. Nick: Let's see if I could do Joe...
46. Nick (re: Fatboy Slim song): Fuckinandfuckinandfuckinand..uuuuh
47. Nick (re: "giving"): You'd think she'd convert..."I LOVE JESUS!!"
48. Joe: I had a pretty good line, "Go Orange."
        Mark:No I had the best one, "Go talk to Greg."
        Ca and G (in unison): Touche.
49. Nick:"Nick the Pope."
        G: "Kiss my schlong."
50. G (to Ca): Shut up, slut.
        Nick: Yeah! That's how I talk to my mom.
51. Nick (playing Hi-Lo): Go down on the queen!! I love saying that.
        G: We have a Jack...
        Nick: Yeah! Go down on him too!
52. G (after matching on a 2): Fuck you, 2!!
53. G: I owe 195.
        Ca: I think the game is officially over when there isn't enough alcohol left in the state for you to finish what you owe.
54. G: What's that?
        Seattle: Oh, it's MY HEAD!
55. DONG.....
56. Seattle: I think I'm gonna jerk off on your head.
57. Nick: We're in Baltimore. This is great.
        G: We could be anywhere right now and you would think it was great.
        Nick: Well that's true.

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